{lots of runner thoughts}

I ran the Phoenix Marathon about a month ago, and I felt more prepared than i'd ever been before.  I was so ready to run a 2:59.  

But...no.  I finished in a 3:02.05.  Although, my watch actually clocked a 3:01.32 because #bathroombreak at mile 9.  Ugh.

I just can't believe I failed again.  I can't even believe it!  What makes me the most mad about the whole thing is that I blew it.  It wasn't that I wasn't in shape, or that the race conditions were terrible, or even that I had a bad day.  I had a great day.  I just messed it up.  I ran the first half waaaaaay too fast, and it killed me at the end.  I kind of knew it in the back of my mind too, but I was so excited and felt so good that I second guessed those back-of-my-mind thoughts.  I came unglued in the last four miles.  Unfortunately, that's exactly what running a successful marathon isn't...it isn't coming unglued in the last four miles.  I feel like I just threw away my one shot.  Gone.  Right out the window.  

My goal pace per mile was supposed to be a 6:52.  Here are my splits from the race, and you can see in red the miles where I went way too fast.  

6:42

6:43 

6:48

6:43 

6:50

7:09

6:27 

6:28 

6:40 

6:32 

6:37 

6:40 

6:40 

6:48

6:50

6:45

6:55

6:53

6:54

7:01

7:05

7:12

7:34

7:39

7:43

7:42

I'm pretty disappointed in myself.   If I knew for certain that I would have a chance to run another marathon, maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed.  But, I don't know if i'll get that chance.  We've decided it's time to have another baby.  If I do get pregnant soon, i'm afraid that accomplishing this goal when I'm one year older, with two kids and a two-time postpartum body will be even more impossible for me than it is now.  That seems too daunting of a task.  On the other hand, it could be that I don't get pregnant for a while and can keep training.  After all, it took us almost two years to have Auggie.  If that's the case, I could try for another marathon in the fall, or maybe even Phoenix again next year.  

It's all just tough.  It's not like training for a marathon is easy either!  I would be lying if I said I wasn't overwhelmed at the thought of doing it all again.  Marathons are hard on my body, and I want to be done with them.  But I can't be done yet!  Not until I reach my goal.  At this point, i'm truly addicted to the pursuit of the elusive 2:59.  Or maybe I'm just too stubborn to admit failure.  I don't know.  I guess what i'm trying to say is that I don't know how it will play out with a baby on the horizon, but I hope I have another shot at it somehow.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not giving up quite yet.  

One more thing.  I wrote those last paragraphs through the lens of a runner.  Not through the lens of a wife or a mother.  It's been a month since the marathon, and I'm ok.  Mostly because I recognize that there are more important things in life.  I say that only to reiterate that my little family...Don, Auggie, and a future baby are the most important things to me.  If in those previous paragraphs it felt as though I lack perspective, I assure you I don't.  But, my reality as a women is that these things do affect me as a runner.  For better or for worse, the part of me that is a runner has a lot of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  If I ever do break three hours, it will be one of my greatest accomplishments.  I just want to look back and be able to remember how I did it.